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Emily Kreiberg

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Sh*t New Moms Actually Say

As a new mom, I have SO many things I want to blog about. And as a new mom, I have NO time to expand upon any of them.

So until I have the time to actually flesh out any of these quotes into full blog posts, here is a compendium of sh*t that has actually come out of my mouth as a new mom over the past 7 weeks. (These are copy and pasted from various FB messenger and text conversations I’ve had with friends.)

  • I’m so excited for you to meet my crotch fruit!!!! Eeeee!! Text me when you’ve finished parking and I’ll meet you at the elevator doors of the 6th floor. 
  • If you wanna meet the baby, it’ll cost ya! Large dark Americano for Ryan, medium tazo passionfruit lemonade tea for me ;)-
  • Picture the bottom of your vagina hole closest to your butt part. Get a knife. Slit from that part of your vagina and drag the knife from the vagina bit alllllmost to the start of the asshole. (Yeesh! Don’t know who I said that to- but I spared no expense with the description of my episiotomy!!)
  • It feels like a gaping wound, leaving the hospital without her. And it is. A literal and figurative wound. I carried her for 40 weeks and now I drive away from her. It is harder than I thought. I know rationally she comes home with us on Friday, but my emotions tether me to her like tightly-wound string and the further I drive away from her in that little blue bed in NICU, the tighter and tighter that string cuts into my heart.
  • I am not a Breast Feeder- but I AM a Milk Maker. I am not a milk Dud. 
  • Having a newborn baby is like having a constant hangover. The only difference is that when you look down at the evidence (empty bottles, your poor decisions, vomit…), you look down at the evidence (a human child, created in love, born in pain, and now All Yours to protect) and you don’t feel bad anymore. You feel exhausted, but overjoyed.
  • I want people to bring us food, or a baked treat or something. I want people to put it on our doorstep and give us a hug and then drive away. Does such a thing happen? We need a pick-me-up, but we’re too tired to talk or to even say what it is we need. Help? Did you guys feel this way too? Everything is a blur- a big happy overwhelming blur and you forget to eat. You both know that she had 110 ml of formula at 6:30 am and that she needs 100 ml more at 10:30 am but you yourself haven’t eaten anything since yesterday.
  • Honestly, the amount of strength that Ryan and I have had as a couple through this first week of postpartum is the Singlemost reason if I could go back and do this differently- I wouldn’t. It has deepened, tested and strengthened our love and commitment to each other more than anything I could have Ever imagined.
  • I am SO glad that first week is over. Today feels almost normal. Like the reset button has been pushed. Our new normal began at 6:30 this morning. 
  • Oops- gotta go. Trusted a fart.
  • Everything we do is one tiny win, dangling by a tiny little thread, over a pit of insanity.
  • The best part about yesterday was we were so frickin busy all day and so friggin exhausted that when I got out of the shower, I was like ‘something’s different- but I don’t know what…’ And then I realized it was my tits!!!! The Milk is GONE!!!!! I got my little, tiny, floppy titties back and I’m Soooo happy!!!!
  • If it weren’t for you, I would be in the hospital right now on a locked unit. I have NO idea why women don’t talk about this shit- it literally Floors me that postpartum is This hard and Nobody warns you. I thought miscarriage was a highly guarded topic- It doesn’t hold a candle to postpartum. You can at least get one or two women friends/colleagues to open up about miscarriage if you say the right things and ask the right questions. But WHY aren’t more women warning OTHER women about Postpartum!!!???
  • Oh mannnnn- this blog is going to be Heavier than a toddler’s diaper after a Chuck E Cheeze birthday party.
  • So- in answer to your hormones/emotions/meds/feelings question- It’s been Really, Really hard for me, and having Sadie in a hospital/NICU setting has re-opened pretty much every trauma I’ve ever had. 
  • Hahaha funny you say that!!! An East Indian woman saw me with my EIGHT DAY OLD in my arms at Toys R Us buying newborn pants with my midwife holding my car seat in her hand and tapping my debit with the other and she goes: ‘How old!?’ And I beam and say: ‘8 Days’ and she drops her jaw, widens her eyes and goes ‘And you are Here, at a mall? Looking this good??!!’ I laughed and said ‘Well, the other 7 days I’ve been a mess! But today I felt not like a mess, so I’m here.’ And her and her husband smiled at me, kind of like tipping their hat, and walked away, speechless. (Canadian postpartum culture is Crazy. I’ve since heard that almost every other culture has like a family sit-in type of postpartum rite of passage, where it is expected that Mom and baby stay in bed and family brings food and necessities to them. In Canada, it’s like, ‘Oh, you just had a baby? Cool- put your adult diapers on and go to Walmart. Your fridge is empty and it’s not going to fix itself.’)
  • Let me call you back; I just sneezed and peed myself.
  • I had a dream last night that I was on my hands and knees swaddling Sadie underneath me and Mika latched onto me and started humping me doggie-style and I couldn’t fu*king pry her off of me for the life of me. (Postartum sleep deprivation dreams are really twisted and vivid!)
  • The moment Kate and Bob walked through my door, validated my emotions, validated my vagina pain, told me that everything I was experiencing postpartum was NORMAL, I no longer had anxious thoughts. They spoke normally, acted normally, let me sit in a chair where I was comfortable, told me my baby was beautiful, and they LET me be in pain, and they honoured my need to rest. 
  • Sadie Loves the bottle. Loves the soother. Shits like a bear. Pees like a firehose. Eats 100 ml every four hours like clockwork. Doesn’t fuss. Smiles when she sleeps.
  • My girl is constipated- the love I have for this child is Unbelievable. Just to lay beside her and hold her hand and let her rest her other hand on my face and pray that she poops is an honour. 
  • P.S. I’m texting you with Sadie on my lap waiting for her to finish filling her pants with shit so that I can change her diaper and start my day hahah. Mom life is so glorious!!
  • Today she was hungry every 2 hours and every waking minute wanted alllll the snuggles. I barely got a single thing I wanted done, and I had to do everything with one hand cuz the other hand was holding her all day, and she puked and shit on me at the same time this morning, and I didn’t get a meal in me until 7 pm, and when Ryan came home I was climbing the walls, I just needed to get out of the house So bad.
  • My day is so great!!! I got to blow-dry my hair and put on real clothes! I’m wearing Real Pants with a Zipper!!! First time since 20 weeks pregnant!!! Wheee!!
  • I am Beyond lucky. I hate the word ‘blessed’. But I feel it.

And there you have it, a full range of feelings, all captured right here on this page. And on any given day of postpartum, you can feel any and/or allll of those things. Let me know if any of these quotes resonated with you- I Love hearing other Mom’s experiences. And if there’s any thought you think I should flesh out into a bigger blog post as a topic, let me know that too. It would help me funnel my thoughts so that the next time I get 2 golden hours of quiet to myself, I can hit the ground running.

XO, Em

Please comment if anything I have said really spoke to you. I quit newspapers becuase they weren't interactive. PLeASE interact. Amen!
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