Today, I did Nothing.
I did not sell a car, or win a case in court, or meet any deadline, or close a big deal, or offer someone a service.
I did not go to work.
In fact, aside from a dog walk and some light gardening, I barely left my house.
If I had to guess, I would estimate that I watched about 8 full hours of Law and Order today.
I want to feel guilty about all of that- I really do. I Hate TV-watching, especially during the daytime, and Especially on a nice summer day. My dog walk was short, and I made really garbage food choices. I could have gone on a run. I could have eaten the kale salad in my fridge instead of Kraft Dinner and handfuls of chocolate chips from the bag. I could have been more social. I could have been more productive.
But aside from the brief dog walk we went on, I had my baby girl in my arms or on my lap All Day Long.
I told myself when we went back to bed together after her morning bottle at 6:30 this morning that we wouldn’t sleep in.
I told myself when we woke up at 9:00 am that I would only watch one episode of Law and Order with her in my arms while she took her 10:00 am bottle.
But as we were still snuggled into each other on the couch, and on our second episode of Law and Order, I was texting with a fellow Mom about the absolute freedom of mat leave. She was saying how, in retrospect, she would have spent her mat leave time so much differently. More snuggle time, less focus on productivity.
I was holding a sleeping Sadie in the crook of my arm as we texted, and I told the friend that it had just hit me a little while ago that soon there will be more months on the other side of my going-back-to-work clock than there are now. In two weeks, Sadie will be 5 months old.
I have NO freaking clue where the time has gone, and I know that as she learns more skills, time will only seem faster.
She’s already sitting up by herself, she’s already pre-crawling. She’s learning to roll over and can already roll herself halfway. Every time I practice more of these skills with her, I cheer and say “You’re Doing It!! Yayyy!!” But I know that with each skill she gains, she is going to want to get further away from me.
Whether it’s crawling down the hall or eventually riding a bike, all the things I want her to learn are things that separate us, and that’s okay.
But for now, while she still wants nothing more than to stare into my eyes and be nestled into my arms, I’m going to snuggle the crap out of her. Even if it means summer days spent almost entirely on the couch.
I was watching her sleeping face today as the afternoon sun shone through our living room window. I looked at her white-blonde hairs jutting straight up from the top of her head, glowing golden in the sunlight. I looked at the sun shining through her tiny ear, making it look coral pink and warm, the little blonde hairs around her earlobe fuzzy like a peach. I watched her eyes flit back and forth under her eyelids, lost in a dream somewhere. She made a frightened peep and looked scared for a moment in her dream. I took her pudgy hand, wrapped its little fingers in mine and comforted her- her asleep, and me awake, drinking all of her in.
I knew in that moment that it doesn’t matter where she goes in this life, or how far away from me she gets. My love for her will never know any bounds, and she will always know where her home is.
I’m so excited for crawling Sadie, and for walking Sadie, and for bike-riding Sadie, and for grown-up and traveling the world Sadie.
But for now, while I still have snuggling Sadie, I’m going to pull her in close to me and take every moment that I can.
I did Nothing today- and yet, I did Everything.