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Emily Kreiberg

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Feeling Really Despondent

I always want to be able to keep this blog positive.

I want it to make people laugh or smile, but sometimes that’s just not where I’m at.

Today marks the eighth week of this episode of severe depression.

Eight weeks.

When this depression started with those three nights of anxious sleep, I flew into a full-on panic because historically, my other two episodes of severe depression both lasted almost three months.

I was really, Really hoping that with early intervention and the right medication, this one wouldn’t last so long.

And here I am.

Eight weeks later.

Waking up to another day with zero sense of excitement or gratitude for the day ahead.

My last post had been hopeful.

All of March had been an experiment in titrating up to 100 mg of Lamictal.

March 3rd, I began 25 mg of Lamictal.

March 7th, I had my first positive thoughts about myself since the depression began.

Then I went up to 50 mg, and had three glorious days of feeling like myself. Of feeling laughter and almost a feeling of joy.

Then I went up to 75 mg, and for the first time in months, I woke up without anxiety.

And on Sunday March 27th, I woke up feeling like something wasn’t right. By noon, I had a full-body rash and my chest and face felt like they were on fire.

I went to urgent care. They determined it was a Lamictal rash and I had to stop the only medication that was working cold-turkey.

From Monday to Wednesday, I had suicidal thoughts due to the abrupt discontinuation of the medication.

Wednesday night, I started a new drug called Latuda.

It’s supposed to take two weeks to take effect, and that’s only if it works for me.

I feel like all of March was a ‘waste of time.’

I feel like my luck has just been a stream of never ending bad after bad for so long.

I just want to appeal to the universe for a break.

Please, please can this new drug be effective.

Please, please can the weight of depression be lifted from me.

Eight weeks might not seem like a long time in the overall span of my life, but eight weeks of feeling like this feels like a lifetime.

An eternity.

If you’re reading this, please take a moment right now to be grateful that you can feel grateful.

Take a moment to be grateful that you can feel things like joy and excitement.

When the ability to feel those things is taken from you, life feels very, very bleak.

If you’re reading this, please also take the time to pray or put good energy toward this new medication working for me, and fast.

Sadie’s third birthday is coming up on April 13th, and I want to feel joy that day.

I want to feel proud of my daughter and proud of myself as a mother.

I want to feel joy and excitement as our friends sing her happy birthday.

I want to feel delight in watching her as she opens her presents.

Please, please join me in hoping that this new medication works and that I can be lifted from this place of misery.

Eight weeks is a long time.



Please comment if anything I have said really spoke to you. I quit newspapers becuase they weren't interactive. PLeASE interact. Amen!
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