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Waves

Some days, when I’m sitting in our rocking chair in the nursery feeding my daughter, I think of nothing.

I hold the bottle to her mouth and I think of what to make for dinner, or what groceries we need, or when I might be able to wash my hair next.

But some days, like today, when I’m holding her sweet little body in my arms, I look down at her and it’s like my heart just crawled up on a surfboard and caught the best wave of its life.

Today as I was feeding her, I was thinking of nothing in particular.

I looked down to see if she was still feeding or nearly ready for me to pop her soother in, and when I looked down, I saw one tiny golden hair sticking straight up from the rest, waving like a piece of seagrass in the current. That one, tiny golden hair was rocking in time to the rhythm of our rocking chair, and my heart just broke into a million pieces.

I looked at her crazy little patch of hair, sticking up in all directions, and realized that tomorrow, it will look different. It will wake up in a different crazy pattern. It will be a few micro-millimetres longer.

Her front teeth that have just come in will be a little further out from her gums than they were today. Her pudgy, stout little fingers clasped so tightly around her bottle that they’re white around the edges will be a little longer, a little thinner.

One day in the not so distant future, I won’t be in this chair with my daughter at this time of day anymore because I’ll be back at work and she’ll be in dayhome.

One day, I won’t even remember what she was like at this age.

I’ll need videos and photos to remind me that she was ever this small, and this perfect.

When I saw that tiny little golden hair swaying in the sunlight today, I realized that every single moment I have with her is a gift.

Every day that she wakes up, she’s a new child. A little older, a little different from the day before.

Sadie’s Birth Video

Sadie’s birth was a bit complicated. My original birth plan was a water birth at home, surrounded by my closest family.

But I have Bipolar 1 Disorder and I am treated with lithium. Lithium can be very harmful to babies during pregnancy and during delivery. Even if you manage to dodge potential heart defects during pregnancy, lithium babies often have significantly lower Apgar scores as well as a host of neuromuscular and respiratory complications immediately following delivery.

On top of all those concerns, Sadie’s last ultrasound at 36 weeks and 3 days revealed a possible obstruction in her bowels, which would require a pediatrics team to be present at her birth to whisk her away to NICU.

Because of all these concerns, with the expert guidance of our amazing midwife, Hannah Howell from the Cochrane-based Shifra Centre for Wellness, we decided on a hospital birth at Rockyview General Hospital in Calgary. Due to multiple complications near the end of my pregnancy, we also entered into a shared-care arrangement with Obstetrician Dr. Paul Henning from Chrysalis Obstetrics & Gynaecology.

Now that I’ve thrown you all those names and details, you will understand why there are So many people in this video aside from Ryan and I present at Sadie’s birth. In the final thirty minutes of Sadie’s birth, I counted 10 people to my left and right in that delivery room, not including Ryan.

But that is my Favorite part of this video.

No matter how many people were in the room; how much fear we had been in prior to labour, and how much commotion was going on all around us-

all I heard was Ryan, and all I felt was Love.

Hope you enjoy the video, and for those of you wondering, the song is “I Won’t Let Go” by Rascal Flatts.

XO, Em