Archives For Parenthood

When I started this blog as a Very new mom, I wondered if there would be times that the blog would go dark because I would be so busy with the baby that I wouldn’t have time to write. Well, my last post was August 20th, so clearly that has happened.

I wondered, as a Very new mom, what ‘too busy to write’ would look like. And I’m laughing now because ‘too busy’ has not been at all what I had pictured.

My child is an angel. I know- honestly, I’m sure Everyone at some point thinks that, but Sadie is a gem. She sleeps deep and often. She is alert, active and very independent. She has never been sick. She laughs and screams and makes hilarious growling noises but very, very rarely makes any noise that sounds like discomfort. She is So wonderful that we don’t wish to have a second because surely he or she will be Satan, Sadie is so wonderful in comparison.

All that said- I thought ‘busy’ would look like colic. Gripe water. Endless nights and tears and cries that blurred into days. Sleeplessness that draped everything in a fog of misery. But with Sadie- busy doesn’t look anything like that.

It looks like Sadie and I nestled deep into our cozy corner of the couch, snuggling with each other and staring into each other’s eyes. It looks like me dying laughing while she violently attacks her exersaucer toys with gleeful abandon. It looks like me doing a jig to country music in the kitchen while she stares up at me from her play mat on the kitchen floor; giggling already cuz even at 6 months, she knows her mama can’t dance worth a hill of beans.

In these moments, I am ‘too busy’ to pick up a phone call. ‘Too busy’ to break free from the cozy corner of the couch and do all the adult things I need to do, because snuggling takes priority over all else. When Ryan asks ‘What did you do today?’ ‘Snuggle’ is an appropriate answer. Imagine that! Instead of a work day, I get to stay at home and make 50% of my previous income so that I can get in a full 8 hours of snuggling.

It has been Awesome. I had No idea that I could love and be so IN love with my own baby. I wouldn’t change the last 6 months for the world.

But today I went to the dentist- a new dentist, in Airdrie- and I noticed that I was frazzled. I was haphazard and drove to the wrong clinic first and so was quite flustered when I had to put my lace-up winter boots back on again and hop back in the car and head to the real one. The front desk lady asked me if I had remembered to fill in the new patient forms she had emailed me almost a month ago. I hadn’t. Had I remembered to get my x-rays from my old dentist in Canmore like I said I would? Nope. As I was answering her questions, I noticed I was bumbling over my words and I think I even threw in a few nervous swear words. As in, ‘Shit, I’m sorry I forgot to do that!’ or some such. There was no one else in the waiting room, but really, shouldn’t I have mastered being able to speak full sentences without profanity by 33 years old??

I had to fill in some forms and I noticed that my writing was Terrible. It was the scrawl of someone who hadn’t had occasion to have to wield a writing instrument for the past 6 months. The forms asked my occupation. I wrote ‘N/A’. I’m planning on going back to work when my mat leave is up but I have no idea what that work will look like. I’ve thought about freelance editing, I’ve thought about social media consulting, I’ve thought about copywriting or starting my own small marketing business, but really- I don’t have a clue yet.

And I realized in that dentist’s office that snuggling for a whole day may no longer be all that I need. I might need to get back out there and interact with adult humans more regularly so that I don’t nervously swear at nice little office ladies.

It took the dentist 3 units of scaling to scrape all the accumulated gunk off my chompers. I explained that I haven’t bothered to see a dentist since I got pregnant. I explained that as a new mom, I don’t floss my teeth as often as I should. She smiled knowingly as a mother of boys aged 7 & 9 and said that she likes to floss her teeth while she watches her Netflix for 20 minutes at night while riding her stationary bike. And I thought ‘Oh Shit! If this is what I have to look forward to as a working mom, I need to start stepping up my game Now so that I’m not a complete clusterf*#k by the time I return to the working world.’

I finished at the dentist and drove to collect my small human from my amazing friends who had watched her for the appointment. They are sleep training champions, so I decided to start there. I begged them for their knowledge and jotted some notes down in my iPhone, resolving to start tonight, even if Ryan is out of town and I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. If I can start becoming myself again by regaining some precious hours at the end of the day, then that is a good start.

I’m currently typing this out in my bed, propped up on my pillows, with the baby monitor beside me. My child, who is normally partying until 11:00 pm, is fast asleep and has (mostly) been that way since 7:00 pm. I am writing this blog and feeling so grateful to be able to hit the keyboard again. Emily likes to do that- I remember this now.

The next step is to find a hot yoga studio in Airdrie that offers childcare. I remember that Emily used to love hot yoga in the winter. After that- I’ll tackle my wedding planning. After that- I’ll decide what I’m going to do for back to work and how to get there.

For today- I have clean teeth, a sleeping child, and a really good feeling. I feel myself again.

XO, Em

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Today I Did Nothing

August 20, 2019 — Leave a comment

Today, I did Nothing.

I did not sell a car, or win a case in court, or meet any deadline, or close a big deal, or offer someone a service.

I did not go to work.

In fact, aside from a dog walk and some light gardening, I barely left my house.

If I had to guess, I would estimate that I watched about 8 full hours of Law and Order today.

I want to feel guilty about all of that- I really do. I Hate TV-watching, especially during the daytime, and Especially on a nice summer day. My dog walk was short, and I made really garbage food choices. I could have gone on a run. I could have eaten the kale salad in my fridge instead of Kraft Dinner and handfuls of chocolate chips from the bag. I could have been more social. I could have been more productive.

But aside from the brief dog walk we went on, I had my baby girl in my arms or on my lap All Day Long.

I told myself when we went back to bed together after her morning bottle at 6:30 this morning that we wouldn’t sleep in.

I told myself when we woke up at 9:00 am that I would only watch one episode of Law and Order with her in my arms while she took her 10:00 am bottle.

But as we were still snuggled into each other on the couch, and on our second episode of Law and Order, I was texting with a fellow Mom about the absolute freedom of mat leave. She was saying how, in retrospect, she would have spent her mat leave time so much differently. More snuggle time, less focus on productivity.

I was holding a sleeping Sadie in the crook of my arm as we texted, and I told the friend that it had just hit me a little while ago that soon there will be more months on the other side of my going-back-to-work clock than there are now. In two weeks, Sadie will be 5 months old.

I have NO freaking clue where the time has gone, and I know that as she learns more skills, time will only seem faster.

She’s already sitting up by herself, she’s already pre-crawling. She’s learning to roll over and can already roll herself halfway. Every time I practice more of these skills with her, I cheer and say “You’re Doing It!! Yayyy!!” But I know that with each skill she gains, she is going to want to get further away from me.

Whether it’s crawling down the hall or eventually riding a bike, all the things I want her to learn are things that separate us, and that’s okay.

But for now, while she still wants nothing more than to stare into my eyes and be nestled into my arms, I’m going to snuggle the crap out of her. Even if it means summer days spent almost entirely on the couch.

I was watching her sleeping face today as the afternoon sun shone through our living room window. I looked at her white-blonde hairs jutting straight up from the top of her head, glowing golden in the sunlight. I looked at the sun shining through her tiny ear, making it look coral pink and warm, the little blonde hairs around her earlobe fuzzy like a peach. I watched her eyes flit back and forth under her eyelids, lost in a dream somewhere. She made a frightened peep and looked scared for a moment in her dream. I took her pudgy hand, wrapped its little fingers in mine and comforted her- her asleep, and me awake, drinking all of her in.

I knew in that moment that it doesn’t matter where she goes in this life, or how far away from me she gets. My love for her will never know any bounds, and she will always know where her home is.

I’m so excited for crawling Sadie, and for walking Sadie, and for bike-riding Sadie, and for grown-up and traveling the world Sadie.

But for now, while I still have snuggling Sadie, I’m going to pull her in close to me and take every moment that I can.

I did Nothing today- and yet, I did Everything.

XO, Em