Today I Did Nothing

Today, I did Nothing.

I did not sell a car, or win a case in court, or meet any deadline, or close a big deal, or offer someone a service.

I did not go to work.

In fact, aside from a dog walk and some light gardening, I barely left my house.

If I had to guess, I would estimate that I watched about 8 full hours of Law and Order today.

I want to feel guilty about all of that- I really do. I Hate TV-watching, especially during the daytime, and Especially on a nice summer day. My dog walk was short, and I made really garbage food choices. I could have gone on a run. I could have eaten the kale salad in my fridge instead of Kraft Dinner and handfuls of chocolate chips from the bag. I could have been more social. I could have been more productive.

But aside from the brief dog walk we went on, I had my baby girl in my arms or on my lap All Day Long.

I told myself when we went back to bed together after her morning bottle at 6:30 this morning that we wouldn’t sleep in.

I told myself when we woke up at 9:00 am that I would only watch one episode of Law and Order with her in my arms while she took her 10:00 am bottle.

But as we were still snuggled into each other on the couch, and on our second episode of Law and Order, I was texting with a fellow Mom about the absolute freedom of mat leave. She was saying how, in retrospect, she would have spent her mat leave time so much differently. More snuggle time, less focus on productivity.

I was holding a sleeping Sadie in the crook of my arm as we texted, and I told the friend that it had just hit me a little while ago that soon there will be more months on the other side of my going-back-to-work clock than there are now. In two weeks, Sadie will be 5 months old.

I have NO freaking clue where the time has gone, and I know that as she learns more skills, time will only seem faster.

She’s already sitting up by herself, she’s already pre-crawling. She’s learning to roll over and can already roll herself halfway. Every time I practice more of these skills with her, I cheer and say “You’re Doing It!! Yayyy!!” But I know that with each skill she gains, she is going to want to get further away from me.

Whether it’s crawling down the hall or eventually riding a bike, all the things I want her to learn are things that separate us, and that’s okay.

But for now, while she still wants nothing more than to stare into my eyes and be nestled into my arms, I’m going to snuggle the crap out of her. Even if it means summer days spent almost entirely on the couch.

I was watching her sleeping face today as the afternoon sun shone through our living room window. I looked at her white-blonde hairs jutting straight up from the top of her head, glowing golden in the sunlight. I looked at the sun shining through her tiny ear, making it look coral pink and warm, the little blonde hairs around her earlobe fuzzy like a peach. I watched her eyes flit back and forth under her eyelids, lost in a dream somewhere. She made a frightened peep and looked scared for a moment in her dream. I took her pudgy hand, wrapped its little fingers in mine and comforted her- her asleep, and me awake, drinking all of her in.

I knew in that moment that it doesn’t matter where she goes in this life, or how far away from me she gets. My love for her will never know any bounds, and she will always know where her home is.

I’m so excited for crawling Sadie, and for walking Sadie, and for bike-riding Sadie, and for grown-up and traveling the world Sadie.

But for now, while I still have snuggling Sadie, I’m going to pull her in close to me and take every moment that I can.

I did Nothing today- and yet, I did Everything.

XO, Em

All the Things I Wouldn’t Do

I told myself when I became a Mom that I wouldn’t give my child a ridiculous nickname.

I’ve been calling her Beeboo ever since my friend Mel said something along those lines about 3 months ago; “I have a gift for your beebu.”

For every 27th time that I call Sadie ‘Beeboo’, I make sure to throw in an exaggerated ‘Hi, Saaaaadie!’ just in case, but I’m fairly certain she thinks her name is Beeboo.

I told myself when I became a Mom that I wouldn’t fill my social media feed with pictures of my child. But it’s all I do now.

I even took it a step further and started this Mommy blog. It wasn’t enough to inundate my FB feed with baby love, so, I, in all of my less than a week of parenting, had to start a Mommy blog. Like having one baby for less than 7 days made me qualified. Ha.

But I promised myself that I would still maintain some air of ‘cool’- that my social media would have other content- not just pictures of my baby’s face doing cute things.

But I just looked at my Instagram to confirm or deny these fears- and the percentage of Sadie photos to Anything else is about 98 to 2.

Shit.

I told myself when I became a Mom that I wouldn’t only talk about my child. That I would remain dynamic and fun, and that my child-free girlfriends could still talk to me reciprocally about all sorts of topics.

My sister was on the phone with me the other day, telling me how cool the Edmonton Folk Festival was, and I listened to all of her adventures from the weekend and was like: “That’s so cool! Sadie is sitting up like a big girl right now!!” Fuck.

So much for staying ‘hip’.

I told myself when I became a Mom that I would take care of my weight and make sure to eat healthy and exercise.

I lost so much weight so quickly when my milk came in that I started charging house guests a visiting tax in the form of Lindt chocolate balls, and I’ve pretty much been on the ‘let’s eat garbage’ train ever since.

Ryan is away this week for work so I pulled out my old bachelorette trick of eating butter-and-cheese-covered noodles right out of the pot with a spoon while watching old-ass episodes of Law and Order. I topped ‘dinner’ off with giant chunks that I carved out of my freshly made pan of peanut butter and marshmallow squares.

At Walmart tonight on a diaper run, I felt something wiggling behind me and I realized it was the floppy remnants of my sad ass. Since becoming a Mom, my ass has slid down and become part of my legs. The fat doesn’t bubble outward like a juicy Kardashian butt- that would be nice- but more so just flubbles around my upper thighs, flatly, reminding me that peanut butter marshmallows shouldn’t be readily available in anyone’s home.

I told myself when I became a Mom that I wouldn’t co-sleep. But every morning when she cries for her 4 or 5 or 6 am feed, I bring her into our bedroom from the crib and feed her and then stuff her into my armpit and sleep for another few hours. It’s one of my favourite parts of the day- her gazing up at me, and us wrapped into each other like little and bigger versions of each other.

Daddy is on a business trip right now so I dragged my old pregnancy pillow into our bed and rigged her up in it so that I’m not directly snuggling her all night long, but she’s still right beside me, where I want her- not in her crib, so far away from me. And by far, I mean 15 feet.

It’s everything I can do to resist the urge not to try and hold her hand while I sleep. Or mash my face into hers just to hear her breathe.

So much for not co-sleeping.

There are so many things I can think of that I told myself I would never do, but I gotta say- I Love breaking every single one of these promises to myself.

That saying that people are the best parents until they have children is so true, and it’s only just the beginning for us. Wait til we get to the fun parts! Discipline! Bedtimes! Clean up! Sharing! All the things I think now that I wouldn’t do- I’ll likely do them too.

Yell at my child. Let her have an iPad before the age of 5. Say ‘screw bedtime, let her stay up.’ Clean her mess up for her, a million times.

But for now- there’s no shame in me and my dumpy little butt and my Beeboo snoring beside me in bed like a little bulldog. I wouldn’t have it any other way.