Mat Leave Musings

I’ve had so many blog titles bopping around my brain for the past few weeks and no time to do anything about them. So on this fortunate night when my 8-month old daughter took all of TWO minutes BY HERSELF to pass out in her crib, I think this post will be an amalgamation of the various working titles I’ve had flying around my head lately. Here they are:

“Am I Addicted To My Daughter? (Is that a thing? If it is, I’m pretty sure I am)”

“Are These My Tits Or Did Someone Replace Them With Pancake Batter?”

“What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up?” a.k.a. “Fuck: Mat Leave Is Almost Over”

and lastly “OMG I Wanna Cry, She’s Almost A Year Old”

Let’s start with that last one. Prior to becoming a mother, I used to Hate when women said ‘Oh, little so and so is just growing up so fast. Oh little so and so, please stop growing. Sob.’ It drove me nuts because I was like, well why on earth did you have children then?! The alternative to not growing up and getting older is Death. Are you wishing death upon your children?? So let me be clear, I still think that statement is stupid, and I will not wish ever that Sadie stops growing. However- I do get the sentiment. Now that I’m a mother myself, I really, really do.

As of this Friday, Sadie has become her own person, independent of my womb for 8 months now. I have had eight months of watching her grow out of her newborn clothes and into all sorts of mischief and wobbly-legged attempts at bipedalism. Since she’s become more ambulatory, she now wiggles out of my desperate grasp more often than not, and 100% of the time that I have her on the diaper change table.

I chose to make a baby in the hopes that it would become its own independent person, and that experiment is all coming along quite nicely. But I’m realizing now that there are Way more months on the side of the maternity clock that has already passed by, and that our side only has four more months left on it. With the strides she’s making now, I know that those remaining four months will feel more like four hours. I have an acute feeling now that Every Moment with her matters, and that these days of just the two of us spending every minute of it together are numbered.

Hence why I lied to my friends the other weekend, and then spent the following week questioning if I was addicted to my child. If you’re one of the friends I lied to and you’re reading this- I apologize in advance.

There was a Christmas party. One of my babeliest friends was hosting it and it was going to be a blast. Three other amazingly hilarious, energetic, fun-times friends that I love were going to be there too. Only problem was- it was on a Sunday night, from 6-10 pm, and Ryan was away on business. We’re very limited for babysitters, so I didn’t think I could make it. But at 4 pm on Sunday, my friend got back to me and said ‘Sure, bring Sadie by. We can take her no problem.’

By that point, Sades and I were just leaving Superstore in Airdrie and I had already envisioned a romantic night ahead of us snuggling together on the couch, eating popcorn and watching House. So I lied.

I said that I couldn’t find a sitter and told the girls to have a great time and to send me pictures of what I missed. When I took Sadie out of the car seat after our drive home, I removed her little woolly pink winter hat, pulled her into a giant squeeze on the staircase and just inhaled her little baby scent. I drank all of her in and I thought “Yes! This is worth staying home for!”

In the coming days, I began to wonder if these events meant that I had an unhealthy fixation with my child. So I ran this story by a few of my Mom friends (one of whom was at the party and I had lied to), and the consensus (at least from those friends) was No. One said “They’re your child forever, but only your baby for a little while.” And the friend I had lied to said “I actually think it’s so beautiful that you lied to us so that you could spend more time with your child.” So I took their words for it, but if you want to tell me there’s something wrong with me, I’m all ears!

The last two working titles, floppy tits and returning to work, I’ll have to leave for another time, as 11:00 pm now feels like 3:00 am and I can barely keep my eyes open.

XO, Em

I Love My Baby!!!

I feel like a lot of my recent blog posts have been negative or somber, and that is totally not the intention of the blog, nor does it accurately reflect how I feel about life 98% of the time.

But that’s the tough part about writing- a writer typically only feels compelled to write something when they are upset, enraged, terrified, saddened, or otherwise all lit up about something.

Another thing about writers is that none of us want to produce anything that could be called a ‘fluff piece’- but this, my friends, is my equivalent of a blog post ‘beach read.’

I just wanted to pop onto my blog page to talk about how Freaking much I LOVE my baby!!!!!

Every morning that I wake up and get to look at her sweet little face, I think ‘Oh My God- you are the cutest little person and I love you SO Much!!!’ 

And then she looks at me and wrinkles her little nose and sticks out her little pink tongue and squints at me for a bit until she recognizes that I’m her Mum, and then she just lights up from within with a Giant, gummy smile and her little eyes start to dance and my heart explodes all over again.

I thought mothering would be hard.

Everyone says ‘oh, you won’t sleep a wink’ and ‘oh, you’ll have no time for your partner anymore’ and ‘say goodbye to your friends, you’ll never leave the house again’ and all these other terrible adages about parenting- and I just wanna hop on this public forum and say My Lord, is parenting FUN!!!! 

I know my days of sleep recessions and teething and toddlerhood are coming- of course there are hard parts. But while I am here, in this place, with a baby not yet three months old, who smiles at me every morning like I am the sun that blazes into her sky and allows her to begin her day- 

While I am here, in this place, with a baby not yet three months old, who sleeps in a bassinet beside my bed and gives me a solid 5-7 hours of sleep in between night feeds-

While I am here, in this place, with a baby not yet three months old, who has just learned how to lift her torso up and move her giant bobble head around and blink her bright blues at everything in fresh wonder-

While I am here, in this place, with a baby not yet three months old, who crawls up on my chest, gazes up at me and then falls asleep safely in the comfort of my arms-

While I am here, in this place, just completely devoted to loving on my sweet, sweet baby girl, I want to remember these days. I want to be thankful for them. I want to stay in the same place of wonder that she is. 

I cannot believe I have created a human, and that is she mine, and that I am hers, and that we get to love each other as we do. It is the most incredible feeling in the world. I just wanted to say that.

XO, Em